It’s Movember month again, and moustaches are not for every man. They demand commitment, care and a certain attitude. Learn the truth about them here.

Ah, moustaches – every man’s right. One of the few things in this increasingly sex-equalised society that men can unarguably do better than women. No matter how terrible the marriage, no matter how cutting those comments about earning power or bedroom prowess, we can hold this ability dear to our hearts and, as we storm from the room, hurl over our shoulders, confident that there can be no rebuttal, the decimating accusation, “Well, you can’t grow one!”.

However, let’s be clear about what we’re doing when we exercise this right. Self-delusion is the refuge of the weakling and wafflings of, “I just want to be more fashionable” or “I thought it would set off the colour of my eyes” are nothing more than evidence of a refusal to accept your own masculinity. Mumbling such sentiments when querulous females demand some explanation for your new-grown moustache does nothing more than declare to all and sundry that you have yourself become sex-equalised.

Make no mistake, a moustache has nothing to do with fashion, and only in the rarest of cases will it improve your looks. No, a moustache is a statement of intent, a glorious, unequivocal heralding of your desire to dominate women and intimidate other men.

You don’t want to believe me, do you? Well try this: when your moustache is fully grown, stand in front of the mirror and appraise yourself frankly. Can you honestly say you don’t feel more powerful? Picture yourself meeting another man for the first time. Imagine how he will perceive you. Don’t you think you now have a better chance of imposing your will upon him? Thought so.

You may, too, notice a certain newfound peace about your home life. Is it your imagination, or do your children run a little more readily to carry out your dictates? And your wife, has she become just a smidge more accepting of your level-headed opinions?

The moustache, my friend, is about power. Why do you think so many soldiers and policemen wear them? Why do you think those slender over-compensating Hollywood waifs sport them so assiduously?

But enough of this chatter. If you’re here, reading this, you’ve already decided to increase your personal magnetism. To hell with taboos against overt displays of virility and machismo, you say. Give me my moustache!

Growing the Moustache

There are two ways to cultivate a new moustache. You can continue to shave all portions of your face but the upper lip and grow the moustache from scratch in more or less recognisable format.

The problem with this approach, though, in the early days, is that it tends to lend a somewhat sneering quality to the face. Further, your workmates, unaware of the alpha-male dominance you are soon to acquire, are likely to make risible comments about puberty and blunt razors and shaving half asleep.

A far better approach is to cease shaving entirely for 2 – 3 weeks. At the office, a few pertinent references to “designer stubble” and Miami Vice will suffice to deflect middle-management’s pedantic gripings about your temporary devil-may-care appearance.

Once the full face-crop has grown in, you can shape your moustache as you desire. Watching as it takes shape in the shaving mirror is a transformative experience. How can it be that all along you had this other person inside you?

The Process of Shaping

From full beard, shave your cheeks, chin and neck. Give wide berth to your upper lip and the corners of your mouth. Shaping a moustache is a delicate procedure and you want to leave yourself as much to work with as possible.

You have the raw material now, the clay, so to speak, from which to mould your David. For this task you can use an electric moustache trimmer (by far the easiest way) or a shaving razor. If do use a razor, ditch that 5 blade, swivel headed space-age marvel and opt instead for a single bladed, fixed-head razor – you’ll find it far easier to get the line you want.

Regard your face in the mirror. Form a firm picture of what you wish to achieve – visualise that moustache! Now, using the corners of your mouth as reference points, trim the raw material to the correct width.

Once you are satisfied with the lateral extent of the moustache you can begin the painstaking task of  honing its upper edge (that closest to your nose). Some men, after a fuller, more robust look, chose to leave this area as virgin forest. For those to whom elegance is of some importance, though, a little work below the nostrils is a must.

Trimming the Mature Moustache

Moustaches are living, breathing organisms and as such they demand constant care. A regular trim should be paramount in any moustache maintenance routine. Unless you are of a walrusian leaning, you’ll know it’s time to get out the clippers when your moustache begins to encroach beyond the upper lip-line.

Trim your moustache dry, not wet – wet hair lies flatter and so appears longer and you’ll be apt to cut too much off.

Use a fine-toothed comb to straighten and align the hairs as close to the vertical axis as possible. Trim the lower edge of the moustache along the lip-line using either an electric trimmer or small pair of scissors.

Once a satisfactory lower outline has been achieved the body of the moustache can be attacked. Take your comb and comb upwards against the grain of the hair. Use scissors against the upper surface of the comb to remove any excess moustache bulk. Work on one side at a time and endeavour to maintain the strictest symmetry.

Caring for the Beast

For your own sense of self-respect and to lessen the impact on that portion of the population who are congenitally predisposed to find facial hair disgusting, keep your moustache clean and shiny with a daily shampoo and conditioning.

Longer or more truculent moustaches, and those of elaborate design, can be whipped into shape with a little moustache wax. Apply a small amount with the fingertips, rub thoroughly through the hair and mould as necessary.

A Word of Warning

It must be said, a moustache is not for everyone. Some men will find it difficult to step up to the mark and embrace the thrusting dynamism demanded of them by a lip adornment that was perhaps embarked upon a little too cavalierly. Think before you act. Take advantage of moustache-friendly seasons like Movember, when you can take your moustache out for a trial run and then abandon it without too much sense of failure if it asks too much of you.

For those of us, however, whose faces do provide a natural resting place for these flags of virility, the time spent in cultivation and care will be rewarded a thousand times over by the stunned and somewhat uncertain demeanour evinced by friends and colleagues to whom the prize is displayed for the first time.

For an alternative take on growing a moustache check out this video.

How to Grow and Maintain a Moustache, 4.1 out of 5 based on 11 ratings

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  1. Mike says:

    yeah I grew one and its changed attitude about myself and i love it!!

    VA:F [1.9.17_1161]
    Rating: 5.0/5 (2 votes cast)

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